August 13, 2015

The Elite Four: Video Game Crushes

Ah, summer. A time when I have absolutely no time. You know what that means… more lists! And once again - carrying on a lifelong tradition of stealing from my brothers - I'm hijacking one of the Cartridge Bros. 'Not So Deep Thoughts' topics.

Speaking of the Cartridge Bros…
Yes, P1 and his beautiful lady friend recently got engaged, and you can actually watch the whole thing go down here. I could not be happier for the both of you. Over the years P1 (and P2!) has become like family to me (I genuinely talk to him more than my actual brother) so I'm so stoked you've found such an incredible partner who not only lets you play games, but plays them with you. Cheers, my friend. I look forward to crashing the wedding! ;)

On with the show! Today we're gonna have a look at some gents who get this old lady's gears cranking! Here are my Top 5 Video Game "Crushes".

First thing's first: let's be serious here. I'm fully aware of how silly it is to declare love for a fictional and animated character, but c'mon! This is just for fun, people! Second, I may or may not have a thing for bad guys. Just sayin'.

5. Wario (Super Mario Universe)
I love Wario. I have always loved Wario. I fell in love with him when I first laid eyes on him in Super Mario Land 2, and that love has carried on all these years and many WarioWare games. He is easily my favorite character from the Mario universe and his exaggerated personality just resonates with me. Wario adds the right amount of comedy, villainy, colorful character and good old fashioned hijinks to the once barren Mario universe. He was really the first of his kind in the Mario world, and I guess that just stood out for me. I love that I can turn to any of the games he's in and be guaranteed light-hearted fun, but also a genuinely good game! Wario is the funny boyfriend I often need to help me let loose after a long, stressful day.

4. Raven (Tales of Vesperia)

'Tales' games usually have at least one limey, back-stabbing character for me to warm up to, and in my favorite Tales game, that spot is procured by Raven. This disheveled drunk has one of the more interesting story arcs in the whole game, and the whole game is pretty damn impressive, so…
Raven serves as the game's adult content slash comic relief. He's got a reputation for being a ladies man and suffers from a bit of wanderlust, but if you look at the big picture, he always follows through for those he's loyal to. We share a bow-related hobby in common, and I like the color purple. Literally. The movie is alright, though. He's a reliable character in battle and you don't need to fuss too much with his attributes to get the best out of him. Also, theres something to be said for a man whom you can literally stab in the heart. We have a winner, folks!

3. Garrus Vakarian (Mass Effect)
I know I'm not alone in my enthusiasm for space Batman, but Garrus truly does stand out in the Mass Effect universe. He's honest, smart, noble, reliable, patient, useful and alien. Everything you could ever want in a fictional partner. Also darn good at calibrating!
When I first met Garrus on my virgin foray into Mass Effect, I was completely unaware of the awe surrounding him in the community. I hadn't been influenced at all, but he was quick to stand out - and completely justify his reputation - so when I reached out, I was met by tons of likeminded people.
I don't think I left G behind for a single mission in Mass Effect. His semi-reliable shooting mixed with his balance of skills made him a good partner; with him distracting everyone, Wrex and I could power through any section without much trouble. Unrelated: I totally love Wrex, too. Okay that's related. Humor aside, Garrus proved an invaluable squad mate time and time again, and once you've  hooked him, he presents himself as a very soft and caring companion. A great big, gray-blue, pointy teddy bear! And if nothing else, he serves as some Grade-A eye candy, and would make introducing your parents even more awkward than fishing for a compliment.

2. Seymour Guado (Final Fantasy X)
I've confessed my adoration for Seymour before. And I do not feel the need to justify it. Come on! He has ridiculous, pointy, blue hair! Who can say no to that?! (Yuna, apparently…)
But for the sake of not grossing you out, let us delve a little deeper into the twisted mind of this character: Seymour is a hybrid species, half human, half Guado. It has been suggested that his existence was merely a ploy to bring the two species together. As such, he was faced with endless torment as a kid because he was different, and like most bullied children, he developed thick skin and immense talent. Seymour saw success as a summoner and a leader at a very young age, in fact the game suggests that Seymour hasn't yet cracked his 30's during the events of Final Fantasy X. Be honest! If you'd crossed paths with 18-year-old Seymour, you'd be all over that shit. Anyway, if you follow the clues, you'll find that Seymour is indeed one of the most interesting characters in the game, and responsible for all sorts of addicting drama. He really stands out as a villain, and I'd so volunteer to destroy worlds with him.

1. Nathan Drake (Uncharted)
Yep. Not gonna lie, I fell in love with this lying, scheming sonofabitch the moment I turned on the first Uncharted. The thing about Drake is, he was actually designed to be the every man. No super powers, no poise, just a t-shirt clad dude with impeccable luck. It makes Drake really easy to relate to - until he becomes a treasure-sick serial killer, anyway. But throughout the game - and the whole series, really - Drake never loses his cool, his sense of humor or his ravishing good looks. Pile on top of that the fun and easy-to-pick-up gameplay of Uncharted and you really just want to spend more time with the guy!

A convenient crush, really, because now I can threaten my boyfriend with him:

Honorable mention:
Deadpool - kind of cheating, so he's an honorable mention instead, what with being comic book character first. But he does have his own game! and I enjoyed our intimate time together.
Leon S. Kennedy - dreamy eyes. That is all. (Shout out to my podcastmates, who are the only ones that are going to find this funny!)

Now I know some of you are thinking "hey! Where the ladies at?!" Not to fear, my friends, I've got a lady appreciation article in the works, too. I just thought for this one, we'd keep it fun and simple. So, let's hear it: how much do you love Nathan Drake?


  1. Stealing and improving on our schtick yet again. Great read at 0230 while floating around the Atlantic. Thanks for keeping me company Sis!

    1. Well, somebody had to help you pass all that gnarly ship food. See ya (sorta) when you reach land, bro!

  2. I really like Garrus too and totally Nathan, but that's probably because he reminds me Nathan Fillion (who is totally on my list)

    1. Thanks for stopping by, Mrs. Q! I can't say I'm terribly familiar with Nathan Fillion, but if he's anything like Drake I'm sure he's a dish. I've heard rumors that he's slated to play Drake in the movies, actually. So I hope he measures up!

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